I am officially a midwife!

I hope everyone is happy for me, I am officially a midwife. I will be applying to join UMO very soon.  Here’s my nifty bio:

I believe birth is a wonderful, natural experience and that women’s bodies know how to birth. I’ve attended 800 hundred births over the past 15 years, and have received advanced birth attendant training. I was a doula before I became a midwife.  I am the founder of the North American Midwives Educational Association’s College of Midwifery (NAMEACM), which has certified me as a Level 12 Midwife. I have had quite a journey that led me to my ‘calling’, the most major impact was birthing my 17 children at home.  I am humbled to be able to attend your birth and help you through your own personal journey of feminine empowerment. I will encourage you and will believe in your own power to birth naturally in a setting of your choosing (at home, at a birth center, while water skiing, at fashion place mall, etc). I am an expert in breech presentation, twins, VBAC, and other variations of normal. I also encapsulate placentas and make memorials out of umbilical cords, in addition to any other arts and crafts you request be made out the awesome raw materials that birth grants me. I can show you all my great testimonials (once I have written them, of course).  My prices are 3,500$ for basic a basic birth package, but believe me- it’s worth it.

Oh sorry, none of that makes a midwife, because none of it is actually true (except for having attended birth attendant training_. What makes me a midwife, legally a midwife in the state of Utah, is that I’ve simply declared that I am one. I can attend the births of babies without any training and while passing off false information to my ‘clients’. I can do dangerous births for large fees (non-refundable, of course) and then wash my hands of the consequences if I kill someone. After all, I can trust other Utah midwives to rally behind me, right? There is nothing to stop me from claiming I have experience that I don’t because there isn’t a way to check up on unlicensed midwives. There is nothing to stop me from simply inventing my own midwifery school website and testimonials to fool people into letting me deliver their babies.  I can pretend that I have experience in births that I have never attended. There is nothing to prevent me from pretending that I had 17 home births when I’ve only had one baby via c-section. After all, why would clients need to meet my kids? All there is to it is to pretend that you know what you are doing and that everything will work out okay, oh and to call yourself a ‘midwife’ and say all the right buzzwords. If I were a dishonest person with good networking skills I could be attending births in no time, I would just need to find someone vulnerable enough to fall for my scam.

If you think that you need real qualifications to attract clients, think again. Check out this midwife’s ‘about me’ page, it has absolutely no qualifications listed except her own kids births and having been at it a long time. Oh, and testimonials.

This should frighten Utahans, parents or not, because its ridiculous and obviously very dangerous. If I wanted to cut someone’s hair for money I would need much more training than I would to deliver breech VBAC babies.

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